Over the course of my life I’ve made plenty of moves – from job to job, city to city, sometimes both at the same time. Still, for all my efforts, I always ended up feeling like I was spinning my wheels and not ending up anywhere that felt worth the effort it took me to get there. My lifestyle enabled me to keep up with my bills and if I pinched my pennies hard enough, maybe take the odd trip here and there. Trying to conserve my precious little PTO, it was usually one of those “drive thru” kind of vacations where I’d try to pack as much as I could into a few days, and wind up coming home feeling more anxious and resigned, than relaxed. I’m certainly not saying that’s the worst kind of life. Not at all. And if that kind of life had felt at all satisfying, that probably would have been enough for me. But I was barely making ends meet while spending my days doing work that made me feel like I was just marking time. So, I took what seemed the next logical step. I got a graduate degree, figuring that must be the missing piece. And maybe it was, since my degree was in English/Creative Writing and I did gain the confidence to begin seeing myself as a writer as a result of the experience.
Stifling the urge to attempt living abroad at that “late stage of life,” especially when I’d never done such a thing before, I turned my sights towards getting a stable job. I got one, and before I knew it, I found myself for the most part, back at square one. Yes, I had a better sounding job and marginally better pay. But it remained challenging to make my ends meet and I was back to feeling like I was just treadmilling through my days, writing here and there, while hoping for that odd weekend that would spice things up and usher in some sense of satisfaction, joy or excitement into my life. All the while, constantly nagging me was this knowing deep inside that the parameters of my life were way too small, and that I was letting my precious life pass me by.
Still, I kept going. Rishing each morning, getting dressed, out the door, and going through the motions each day because I just didn’t know how to do anything else. It’s what everyone else around me was doing, and besides what in the world would I look like going off in an entirely new direction, especially when I wasn’t even sure what that direction should be? I’d look crazy, especially this late in the game, trying to traipse off into the unknown, hacking out a new path for my life by pure intuition alone. If I’d been just starting out in life maybe I could have seen myself doing that. But I was at the age that I should’ve been working towards retirement, not towards my dreams. So, I just kept going, all the while secretly hoping, wishing, and praying that somehow, my life would change. And of course, the funny thing was, despite the fact that I kept going, I remained stuck in place, feeling frustrated and sad, but on the outside looking like everything was fine. Until finally, the pain of living this way pushed me to finally do something!
That something was for the first time, taking action based purely on what I truly, deeply wanted to do, rather than what I thought I should do or settle for. And it marked the beginning of making choices in support of my own growth and development, of living on my own terms, even if it meant traversing the unknown. And the thing is, what I know now that I didn’t know then, is that if I’m going to live a life aligned with my soul, a life of flowering into who I am meant to be, it’s going to be an unconventional life. Because it is just who my unique expression of Spirit is. But for so long, I didn’t know that, so I tried my best to color inside the lines. Until I finally began to see that the lines were the problem, not my failed attempts to color inside of them. With this new understanding, I took a chance and allowed myself a tentative step outside of those lines. And that felt so good, even inspiring somehow, that I took another step. And then another…
At the time, I didn’t really know that I was making choices in support of my growth and development. I just knew that this new direction I was going in, despite the fears that came along with it (and there were lots), just felt right. Still feels right, even with all the inevitable fear and uncertainty that comes with moving outside those comfortable lines. However, let me be clear right now – this new direction has not led me into a perfect life. Not at all. But what it has done is lead me right to where I need to be. Because although this path means heaps of discomfort, unpredictable outcomes, and disappointments (and hey, isn’t that part of life, no matter what you do anyway?), it also means living with a recurring sense of wonder, exhilaration, joy, and the kind of unique, novel experiences most people only read about in books. And it’s happening because I’m allowing myself to get connected to my soul’s deepest desires and take action based what I’m being urged to do – unfold towards my highest aspirations.
To help facilitate deeper connection to your soul’s urgings, I’ve developed a free micro-course that is designed to stimulate your creativity as it helps you gain clarity around what it is you really want and begin to explore possible pathways for integrating it into your life. I invite you to engage with this course and share your experience with me.
Stuff that’s sparking resonance, excitement, or wonder for me right now:
The new car I purchased on my birthday last month! (the previous one was 18 years old!)